Authenticity: Such a big, important word. When was the last time you compromised it?
One of the big ones for me was my ex-wife.
When I met Laura I was eager to build a home with someone.
I kept seeing everyone around me pair up, have children, etc.
After being single a few years after Cara, I thought I was ready.
I had a list of non-negotiables, too.
I wanted a kind, good person who values family like I do. Someone who values personal growth. Ambition and drive were at the top of my list.
I dreaded the idea of ending up with a couch potato. Don’t get me wrong; there’s a place and time to unwind and I do plenty of it.
When it comes to that ideal partner, I wanted authenticity, originality, a commitment to their values, and the courage to be honest, always (no sugarcoating or lies to prevent rocking the boat).
I wanted to be with someone who CARED. Yes, I obviously wanted them to be obsessed with me (duh), but I wanted a partner who wasn’t just sitting by watching life happen to them.
I was so excited to meet my ex-wife, Laura. She was 1000% ready for love, a committed relationship, and building a home with someone. She paid close attention to my hints. Like how I shared that I came from a family of florists, growing up in a flower shop, watching dudes and dudettes order big, beautiful flower arrangements for a special day. Some people talk so much shit about Valentine's Day, inserting logic where logic is irrelevant.
It’s just some made-up lame holiday designed to sell! A marketing gimmick by big companies to boost sales during an otherwise slow retail month. Love isn’t just one day!
Blah blah blah.
Sitting there at that flower shop, there were hearts in my eyes as I observed hundreds of declarations of love be delivered on Valentine’s Day.
A marketing gimmick by big companies to boost sales on an otherwise slow month? Label it as you must; for us, it was love brought to life. It was embodied in the art the florists created, in the care they put into each arrangement, and in the loyalty of a team that took pride in their work and valued their customers. Then, at the end of the day, the whole team celebrated with Chinese food at the restaurant nearby that served not only us, but countless couples and friends celebrating together. On this so-called ‘gimmicky’ day, I witnessed two small family businesses flourish and express love through their own unique craft.
Long story short, this is how Laura turned our (eventual) living room into a flower shop at least on a quarterly basis. It was gorgeous! I felt so special getting those deliveries, just like the customers at our flower shop did back then.
Laura was ready to give me whatever I wanted. She wanted us to vacation, too, always planning the next getaway and waiting for me to say yes so she can book the trip.
The thing was though, the last thing I wanted was to get away. I was super engaged in my work (at the time) and used plenty of nights and weekends to pour onto my dreams, my future. Reality is where I wanted to be. The romantic suite at that beach resort in Mexico was calling her, but the honest truth is, I wanted to be in the garage with my laptop and a big fat joint; just me, my dreams & aspirations, and music.
As time passed, our differences became even more apparent. It felt like Laura worked the job that paid her bills, then came home and waited for me to be done with what I was doing, so we could cuddle on the couch and watch TV. I’d find myself hiding in the garage, hoping she’d go to bed so that I can be free to dream, ideate, and create, without someone keeping time.
While she expressed interest in the books I was reading, she wasn’t interested in reading them. When I reminded her that I wanted a partner who cared to grow, she picked up a book. She read ⅓ of it then stopped at around the time we dropped the subject.
When I challenged her disinterest in pursuing something, she told me she didn’t have to pursue anything because she already made her dream come true, which was to be a cop. The thing is, I could see her unhappiness, and I could see why she spent more time carefully planning the next escape than she did on herself. It’s one thing to genuinely love what you do; but I called B.S.
Her argument was that her dream as a kid was to be a cop, and now that she is, she’s done with dreams, because she already achieved it. That bothered me.
But my choices were my own to make. I knew who I was dealing with. I compromised my own integrity and ignored my inner voice. I stopped living authentically, despite proclaiming to be an example of authenticity. We broke up, then got back together.
When I moved back in, she immediately proposed with my dream Tacori ring. It was gifts galore to the tenth degree. We married quickly, too.
Laura is a good person who deserves someone who can’t wait to come home to her. She deserves the type of person who loves her EXACTLY as she is, flaws and all. She accepted me as I was, and she never gave up on me.
However, none of that changed the fact that by being with her, I was compromising my authenticity. No amount of rationalization affected that reality. Which is why, when we broke up a second and final time, there was no coming back. I remember sitting in my car a block away from our house with the family on speaker phone, announcing the news. There was confusion in their voices. Why would I let go of someone who praised the ground I walked on, who would do anything for me, a second time. My brother even asked, are you sure? Which I interpreted to mean, are you stupid?
They only ever saw the front of stage reality. You know, the good times, the family shindigs, the fun. They didn’t see me hiding in the garage most nights. The answer was yes, I was sure. I wanted to peel off the masks; the many faces I wore, including the one where I pretended I didn’t know that the relationship was doomed to fail.
Now, here I am; trying to learn from who I’ve been and honor who I am as I am, no masks.
Sometimes, depending on who I’m around, I find myself unconsciously watering down aspects of who I am in order to be more palatable to them. It doesn’t help that I came out of the closet in a small town where holding hands with a chick meant that everyone around us stopped talking and stared hard wherever we went. Like a live & unplugged in-person novela. Fuck, that was hard; even harder 21 years ago. I had to learn how to stop giving a fuck for my own sanity early on.
Even so, I still have to reel it in when I catch myself giving way too many shits and for way too long about something I supposedly don't give a shit about.
Anyway, this post might seem like it’s about my failed relationships…
But it’s a call to embrace our most authentic selves and take OFF the masks.
*Like that relationship you know isn’t for you. You could go your whole life with that person, and no one would ever know that they aren’t for you, but you do.
*The sexual orientation you cling to because it is more tolerable to those whose approval you love to have.
*The job you say you love anytime someone asks you, that you’re actually tired of, have outgrown, and maybe even hate.
*The promises you make to yourself but don’t keep, all the while proclaiming to be that person who follows through on the promises you make to yourself.
*The part of you who, when asked how you’re doing, says GREAT! just super busy. Because saying you’re busy makes you feel important, and saying you’re great will keep the questions away about how you’re really doing, and how busy you’ve been working hard at pretending you’re doing great.
*The part of you who calls dishonoring your own boundaries, giving them a second chance.
*The part of you who really wants to wear that one outfit tonight, but you don’t because you know there are people there who might have an opinion or two, so instead, you opt for the safe choice.
I hope these masks weigh heavy on you. I hope they become so uncomfortable that there’s no choice but to rip them off. I still wear a mask or two these days…I'm working on that.
-KARLA
