A year and a half ago we hired this woman at my company.  Betty.  Her job was to lead the enterprise. 

We’d spent years without a leader between the team and Josh, the owner of the company.  This came at a consequence since Josh happens to be the mastermind behind the content we sell to our customers.  His work is our livelihood.  

Personnel issues, leadership and operational matters kept pulling him off his work.  

It became a problem and one day, the seat was filled.  We hired a company leader.

This person was meant to elevate each of us through our roles.  Emotionally intelligent to the max.  The change-maker.  She was supposed to be an upgrade for us in every sense of the word.  I was excited to level up.

Josh also felt strongly that women connect best with women. Therefore, he decided this mostly-women team needed a woman to lead. Gender 1st, skills 2nd.

Then Betty came along.  

Interestingly, when we interviewed her, she passed my gut check.  I always felt like we were one empty seat away from multiplying our success and impact.  Perhaps my judgment was clouded by the promise of what could be.  She was the missing piece…or so we decided. 

So there we are, working with our new leader week over week. We were off to a slow start but I figured  it takes a quick sec for a person to onboard.  A month in, my teammate Jenn shared in confidence that she was worried Betty wasn’t making the cut. 

She wasn’t elevating–or contributing to–what we were already doing.  The elevated skillset we expected–the “better than us” part–wasn’t there. 

Then, more time passed. 

Things didn’t get better.  

We needed to fill a very important seat; the VP of Marketing. We had been in desperate need for a while but she found someone. She offered the job to Bob. 

Bob declined the offer.  He said NO to us.  

Betty went back to him and persuaded him to reconsider and he said yes.

I remember she was so proud of getting his yes.   
She was praised for it publicly.  
For doing whatever it takes!
For being a team-player. 

This new VP of Marketing quickly demonstrated he couldn’t do the job. 

Eventually we found out he was two-timing us.  TWO full-time remote jobs with two different companies.  Two salaries. 

This dude who was urged to reconsider fucked us in the ass with no lube in return for a VP salary. And Betty? The person whose job it was to inspect what we expected…

Clueless.   

Then, she hired someone else for an equally crucial role.  She was his biggest cheerleader publicly, reinforcing the great decision she made to hire him for weeks.  Look at you, Betty…saving the day yet again. 

If you hadn’t worked with him yet, you were already sold on his awesomeness. However, as soon as we actually started working with him we discovered the opposite.  The dude was unresponsive.  You’d think he too had a 2nd job.  When he’d get work done, his attention to detail was poor. 

Then one day he started getting in trouble for it all.  He didn't handle the feedback well and it showed. The final straw for me was when he started bullying my teammate who led him. I watched him bully her through our messaging board, on calls…

For WEEKS. Sometimes it was subtle, other times crystal clear.

It felt like we were in grade school and the teacher wasn’t there so no one was addressing the bullying.  Except the teacher WAS there.  In fact, every time we had our leadership meeting, she was the first to complain, laugh, and tell detailed stories about what fucked up thing he did or said that week. 

“I can't believe what he said to me,” she'd say, bright-eyed and eager to tell the story.  

One time, she poked fun at something he said because it made no sense to her; so then I asked,

“did you ask him to clarify what he meant?”

She’d say, “no.”

In other words, she’d hear him out, take mental notes on the “crazy” things he said without challenging or correcting them, and show up to our leader meetings to laugh about it.  

This is the person who is leading our multi-million dollar enterprise. 

After several of these “updates” from her in our weekly meetings I asked…

“Why isn’t he being let go?” 

Her answer?

"We need to find a replacement." 

Mind you, the dude is producing incorrect work that is costing us, he’s unresponsive, and he is actively bullying my teammate who has clearly demonstrated that she is unable to defend herself. 

When he actually did the work, it took him days to weeks to acknowledge the assignment. Some of the work he produced was off in one way or another. He was actively bullying someone here. One day I challenged her logic during our meeting. What are we afraid of losing, again?

He was let go.  

I feel for him, actually. He fucked up, yes. His behavior was on him.

But he was never held accountable properly. By the time enough issues arose and Betty finally took action, it was too late.

It's like having one drink on the job and your leaders letting it pass...then one day, they have a serious conversation with you about the 35 times you've drank in front of them in the last 6 months, except now it's a problem and you are suddenly in BIG trouble. Which means, what could have been a boundaries conversation the first time they caught you drinking, now becomes a serious personnel problem that is being documented. SLOPPY.

There were people around him who were unequipped for their roles, but yet those same people were trying to tell him that he was unequipped. The conversations that weren't had right away amplified. The problems Betty gossiped about in our leader meetings led to growing frustration that manifested into bullying. The dude never had a chance.

Here was the final straw for me, though. 

Betty and I had our first and last conflict over the phone.  I was jerky to her in an email she sent that really frustrated me.  To spare you the details, we had a big discussion on a project I had worked on. I’d spent A LOT of  time on it prior to her joining the team.  Based on my findings, I arrived at the conclusion that it wasn't worth pursuing further.

One day, she asked me to revisit it one more time even though she knew I had ALREADY done that.  I did as she asked; after all, she's my leader.  We looked at my 2nd findings and decided to let it go.  

Her words: "let’s put this to bed." 

I was relieved to hear it. 

So when I get this email from her telling me that another co-worker really thinks it would be a great idea to revisit the project--despite him having zero knowledge on the topic or of the extensive research I had already conducted TWICE--I was fuming. Instead of explaining to him that we had already explored it TWICE and decided to "put it to bed," she had me stop what I was doing to research the same thing a 3rd time. She was easily swayed. My research was disregarded. My email response was harsh.  I should have done that differently. 

She called me that night after seeing my email and that's when I got to see a different Betty.  Not textbook Betty who said all the right things in our team meeting that one time, on how to best handle conflict.  It was award-winning, really.  🏆 It took effort not to laugh on that Zoom.

The Betty at that team meeting checked out of the room during our phone call.  

As soon as I gave her my honest feedback about how she was coming across, she spent the remainder of the call defending herself. 

Her facade of competence was revealed.  

A few minutes in, I tried to diffuse the situation. I lowered the tone of my voice and spoke more calmly.  I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I told her it wasn’t my intention to make her feel bad.  Josh teaches that oftentimes employees are afraid to speak up because they don’t want to rock the boat or bite the hand that feeds.  He challenged us to do the thing: to be courageous.

He also amplified the importance of treating our space like we would our home. 

We should never tolerate misbehavior from our customers or our team, that we wouldn’t allow in our own home.  I was sold on doing the right thing.  

I did that. It was an awkward end to the call.  

Red. Flag. Walking.

So what I did I do? 

I emailed Josh about Betty and our interaction.  I wanted him to know how this leader whom he just hired, handled conflict.  Why? Because it’s what he taught us to do and in truth, if I were him, and this new hire was handling such a minor conflict that way, I'd want to know.  

I told him I didn't trust in her leadership and judgment.  I told him I was afraid she'd find a way to retaliate and justify firing me.  His response was one of concern and he said he’d address it. 

When they met, she told him a different version of the story.  I wasn't there, but I know this because he refused to hear me after that.  In one of his back and forth emails to me after speaking with her, he told me I was hard to love.  How that’s helpful or productive in a professional setting, or anywhere ever for that matter, I don’t know. It felt like punishment for walking the talk.

When I tried to show him more proof he said, 

“You were bad and she was bad, so now you’re even.”  

In other words, your email was shit, and she was shit, so drop the fucking subject, you’re not a victim.

The leader I respected, loved and admired for years started fading away with every unkind, ungrateful, dismissive word and action.

The scariest part was Betty's calculated reaction after the fact.  Check this out...

She showed up to our following 1:1 that same day to say that she wanted to “close the loop on our chat” by letting me know that I never have to apologize to her because when it comes to work, she has no feelings.  She said I never had to worry about apologizing to her because I don’t affect her. She said it with the biggest smile on her face.

The person with the biggest salary and greatest responsibility said that. I wish this was a joke. This is how the leader of the company chose to "close the loop."

The big boss thought the red flags I speak of are my emotions getting the best of me.

A campaign against someone whom he thinks I just don’t like. 

A personal problem, rather than a personnel problem.  

Betty’s failures come at great consequence.   

If she doesn’t work out, it would set us all back.  

Betty isn’t the one.   

The shoes of her role are bigger than she can fill.  She’s in over her head.  Ill-equipped and ego-driven. Betty is a defensive and unaccountable gaslighter.  She is a Covert narcissist. 

Covert narcissism: 
“A blatant inability to take accountability, resulting in behaviors such as denying, deflecting, justifying.  They are often friendly and likable to most people.  They work really hard to maintain a public persona of this all-around 'good person.' 

But when they are told ‘no’ or don’t get their way…these behaviors quickly take a turn.  They are hard to spot because they claim to be ‘self-aware’...they talk non-stop about everything they are reading, learning, & doing for self-improvement…and yet, when you look closer, you see that not much changes in spite of all this 'talk.'

They are effective at going unnoticed because their behaviors are often done ‘under the radar’...meaning they truly are ‘covert’ & passive-aggressive, so that they can easily deny them…when these behaviors are more obvious, they are rarely done in front of other people. Since much of this is so ‘under the radar’...it can cause you to feel like you are ‘crazy’ or that you are the problem because they will deny, deflect, or justify their behaviors in a way that results in you feeling bad for your reaction to their behaviors…then you find yourself thinking, 'the issue must be me." Credit:  @drelizabethfedrick on Instagram

It’s now a year and a half later.  The growth we expected to see under what was supposed to be great, seasoned leadership isn’t happening.  The b*tch needs seasoning.  

Eventually, the inconsistencies between her words and actions will amplify further.  

She will run out of people to blame for her failures.

Until that happens, the team is forced to endure the consequences of the in-between: 

The gap between voicing our concerns and when the leader chooses to listen.

I abhor how my emotions cause me to lose credibility.  She made it about me.

Working with Betty's like an accident’s about to happen and I’m warning those who can prevent it, but they don’t believe me so the accident happens anyway.  Having good intentions and exercising courage that is misconstrued as manipulation is heartbreaking coming from someone whom I admire more than words can describe.  My integrity is everything to me. I thought he knew that about me. I have been fiercely protecting our revenue for 9 fucking years. But here we are…me and my hidden agenda.  Such a manipulator.

What is true ownership in this case? 

Does taking ownership over protecting my team and our space mean speaking up, knowing I might not be believed?

Is it staying silent, knowing Josh just doesn’t want to hear it?  Or is it leaving.  Is it deciding I deserve better than to have my integrity questioned...  

Is it harsh of me to leave, knowing he’s his own work in progress; a flawsome human like the rest of us? Or am I making excuses for someone I care about and respect?

If I’m as intuitive, emotionally intelligent and compassionate as I proclaim to be, is leaving standing up for myself, is it self-respect or is it my ego? 

Should I get the fuck out of here because I have a shit boss? 

-KARLA